Ermergerd Thrift Me Maybe?
by DontStopBealeiving
Summary: Multiple crackfic oneshots. Credit to Allex for helping me with 'em!
1. Thrift Me Maybe

It was a fine summer day...

Beca was takin' a nice stroll around the activity fair minding her own business and singing Thrift Shop wearing her grand dad's clothes when her eyes fell upon the finest sight she ever dun seen. _"This is fucking awesome..." _she sang.

Chloe Muthafuckin' Beale.

Her hair flowed luciously in the wind, her eyes sparkled like diamonds and her ass... _Damn. _Beca's mouth dropped open, practically hitting the ground. _That's a cold ass honkey._ She had to walk by. She had to see the redhead up close. As she walked on by, Chloe's scent wafted through her nostrils. _ Pissssssssss._ Nah that was the fat dude standing next her. CHLO-SER!

Beca was standing right by her now, mouth agape at the gorgeous lovely scented sight. "Hi, any interest in joining our a capella group?" Her voice was like Jesus singing. It was so lovely not even the songbirds could combat the noise.

She had major difficulty forming words. "Sorry, but I don't even sing." She smirked. She was lying of course. Beca could sway any 60 year old pedo or 12 year old hormonal boy with her lovely singing voice. One time she even had Ellen Degeneres at her feet and Oprah at her side.

Chloe looked like someone kicked her puppy. "P-pretty please?" She stuck out her bottom lip. "I have m&m's!" The redhead held out a handful.

Beca was stuck in her gravitational pull of adorableness. "Nah brah. Don't you have to audition anyways?" She finally noticed the blonde beast standing next to her soon to be bedling.

"You can do it right here. Right now." She did her signature predatory gay smile.

That was all it took to convince Beca. She jumped onto the Bella's table and burst into song.

_**"Your stare was holding!  
Ripped jeans skin was showin'!"**_

Chloe glanced down at her current state of dress. She wasn't even wearing jeans, let alone ripped ones.

_**"Hot night wind was blowin'!  
WHERE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN' CHLOE?!"**_

She somehow knew the redhead's name. It was that psychic connection that soulmates share.

_**"HEY I JUST MET YOU!  
AND THIS IS CRAZY  
BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER!  
SO CALL ME MAYBE!"**_

Beca hopped down from the table and took out a piece of paper that had her digits on it. Chloe's blush was as bright as her hair. Aubrey didn't look so thrilled. "Nope. No alt girl with mad lib beats for this group!"

"Aw c'mon Aubrey let her in! She's so adorable!" Beca was doing her best five year old 'aw that guy stole my lollipop' face. The blonde was having none of it.

"No way." It was Chloe's turn to hop up on the table.

_**"Who do you think you are, runnin' round leaving scars?  
Collecting you jar of hearts...  
Tearing love apart?"**_

Beca swept her off the table and held her bridal style. "Yeah man. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul."

"Fine." She stormed off, thunder clouds over her head. The clouds actually rained down on her. Only her.

Beca put her soulmate down. "I'm Chloe," the redhead said with a smile.

"Bitch please, I know. I'm Beca." She stood triumphantly.

"You lil shit. I knew that too. SOUL SISTERS!" Dat psychic connection.

"Oh Chloe where did you get that hat?" Beca asked.

"The thrift shop. 'Cuz shit. It was 99 cents." Yep. They were totally soul mates.


	2. Dem Zambies

The year was 2037...

Beca and Chloe had been living together for over a century, honing their vocal skills.

Their warm up every day was a heated session of loud unadulterated "workouts." They could practically hit any note.

So when the nuclear explosion turned pretty much errybody on the planet into zambies, the girls were totally ready to knock them out with their vocal range. "Chloe!" Beca shouted. "Come over here and help me with this horde!" Chloe ran her sexy ass right over there. She helped Beca in more ways than one... (if ya catch mah drift)

"HIT THE D!" And that's exactly what Chloe did. She hit the D, blowing off a zambie's head.

The next sound to flow from her mouth was the most beautiful note ever. _The G-spot!_ Beca groaned loudly as she experienced the most climatic eargasm she'd ever had. The zambies all fell to the ground in pleasure, re-dying immediately.

Chloe smirked as she grabbed Beca's hand, entwining their fingers together. "There's more where that c_ame _from." She winked.

"Well then please _do _enlighten _me_ Mrs. Beale." Chloe slammed her into the nearest car, tripping over bodies as they went. "You're a dirty girl!" Beca exclaimed, wiping some blood and crap off Chloe's face.

"Shhh you love it." Chloe silenced her with her lips.

"No Chloe stop. You're so dirty! I'm OCD! It's bothering me!" Chloe stopped and looked at her dumbfounded.

"But... Becs... have you seen yourself?"

"Uhm no Chloe. I haven't seen myself. That's not even physically possible." Chloe facepalmed. She ripped the sideview mirror off the car they were on and held it in front of Beca's face.

"Uhm Chloe. I still don't see myself. " Chloe frowned. The mirror worked perfectly fine.

"Then... what? I don't understand." She _Threw it on the Ground._

"Ermergerd Chlerer! Erm er vermper!"

"Ermergerd Bercer ner wer mer ter!" _BROHUG!_

Just then another zambie walked into da club and started tap dancing. _"KISS ME! K-K-KISS ME! INFECT WITH YOUR LOVE AND FILL ME WITH YOUR POISON!" _The zambie's voice... it was so beautiful...

The zambie joined them on the hood of the car, snuggling real close. They infected him with their love and filled him with their poison.

"Oh God Chloe, I'm on the edge of _G-_lory!" Chloe p-p-p-poked her face and she was thrown over the edge... of glory...

"Oh baby you're better than a G6. You're like... a G8... hnnng."

After the intense undead-gasm, the zambie melted.

They lived happily ever after(life)!


	3. MAHOGANY

**"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"**

The tributes all stepped off their platforms and well... stood there.

Yep. They just stood there. No one wanted to get killed, so they figured "hey why not?"

"So guys are we ever gonna do anything? Or are we just gonna stand here..." Beca, the girl from district twelve, mumbled.

"Hey! I don't appreciate your sass!" The boy from two shouted.

"Why don't you come over here and do something about it then, asshat!?" The feud was clearly getting nowhere. Literally.

The boy from two contemplated it for a moment, then shook his head.

The girl standing next to Beca spoke up, finally growing tired of the arguing. "Look guys, I'm trying to meditate here. Can you shut the fuck up?" Beca's eyes twinkled. The girl had beautiful red hair. It was like an instant orgasm.

"Say, what's your name?" Beca was a charmer.

The redhead took a step towards Beca and extended her hand. "I'm Chloe!"

Beca took her hand and skipped off into the forest, leaving the rest of the tributes to their little standstill.

Chloe pointed to a nearby tree. "OMG IT'S MAHOGANY!"

"Mahoga-what?"

"That's mahoga-right!" Chloe loved mahogany.

She ran to the tree and caressed it, running her fingers along the cracks in the bark. "This mahogany is mahoga-fucking sexy." She hitched her leg around its trunk and licked it. "Mmmm. _Fresher than a motherfucker._"

Beca bit her lip and walked over to Chloe, pressing against her and whispered in her ear, _"I know what else is fresher than a motherfucker..."_

"Hit me with your best shot," the redhead replied huskily.

So Beca did. She broke a branch of the mahogany tree and hit Chloe over the head with it. "Das mahogany, bitch." Chloe fell to the ground. Beca skipped away towards the cornucopia to see if the other tributes were still there.

They were.

She skipped around the circle of confused tributes, lightly tapping them on their heads with her mahogany branch.

"Oak... oak... oak... oak... MAHOGANY!" She ran away giggling leaving an _incredibly _confused tribute behind. She made a full circle, shoved the boy out of the way and took his space. "Tsk tsk. Not fast enough!" She stabbed the mahogany branch through his heart and he died.

_**Boom**_ goes the cannon.

"Oak... oak... oak... oak... oak... oak... oak... oak.. oak... oak... oak... MAHOGANY!" Beca ran around the circle again, this time actually racing the tribute. She won again, quickly killing the girl she outran.

She proceeded in this fashion until she was the only one left standing. Yet she wasn't crowned victor.

"Da fuq man! I just killed all those bitches with this _mahogany branch_ and I haven't won?!" The speakers over the arena crackled.

**"Right because there's still someone left. The one that was... ah... assaulting that poor tree."**

_Oh riiiighhhht. Chloe._ The shorty skipped back to where she left Chloe. She was sprawled out on the ground, a large bump formed on her head.

_Poke poke._ "Chloeeee wake uuuup!" Chloe opened her eyes, dazed.

"Are you gonna hurt me again?" She backed away slowly, noticing the mahogany branch that had trickles of blood running from its tip.

"I would never do such a thing!" A grin spread across her face. She held her hand out to Chloe, who took it and stood up. "Leggo!" Beca dragged her to the cornucopia.

Beca climbed to the top and pulled Chloe up with her.

"What are we doing up here?" Chloe asked cluelessly.

Beca pushed Chloe onto her back. "Sh Chlo. Just mahogany me. Now." She closed the small gap between their lips. Chloe blushed as their tongues battled for dominance. Beca's hand trailed down Chloe's body, peeling her clothes off layer by layer.

"Here, on camera?" Chloe asked.

Beca pressed a finger to her lips. "Shhhh. That doesn't matter right now."

Beca tore her own clothing off and attacked Chloe's collarbone with her lips. Her fingers traveled south. She almost reached her destination when the speakers crackled once again.

**"What tha mahogany is going on?! This is supposed to be a family show!" **

Beca smirked. "Mahogony you! You mothermahoganiers! I was having fun."

Chloe frowned.

**"No no no no. You both win, okay? Just stop. Have mercy on us."**

Beca and Chloe pulled their clothes back on. They were both crowned victors.

Despite being from different districts, they somehow spent the rest of their days together, mahoganying frequently.


	4. Potato?

The Mitchell/Beale residence was certainly not one of wealth. Often times they'd be forced to snorkle in the dumpsters.

One time well... let's just say Chloe only has nine fingers. The neighbors' cats would also go missing from time to time, but that is besides the point.

They were hungry.

The sun had set and most commoners had gone off to follow their boring nightly routine. But not Chloe. She'd tucked Beca in, gave her warm milk, and read her a bedtime story before pulling on her jacket and stepping into the night.

She walked passed the pet store and admired the kittens, passed the bakery and drooled over the cakes, passed the adult toy store and fantasized about using one of the items with Beca. But then it sunk in that she could not do this.

She knew what she had to do.

Finally she came upon the alley.

Not _an_ alley.

_**The**_ alley.

"Knock knock?" She stepped in skeptically.

A man emerged from the shadows. "Ah yes, you must be Miss Beale. A little early, but it's okay." Chloe nodded slowly.

"The deal still the same? No changes on the payment?"

"No sir."

"The payment will be delivered to your household before sunrise," the man said with a twisted smile.

Then he knocked Chloe out and threw her on the back of a camel that flew off into the night sky.

And that, my friends, is the story of how Chloe sold herself for seven potatoes.


End file.
